White Vans and Kung Fu

Nothing's happened. So I shall make something up.
Okay, so today I woke up 3 minutes before we had to leave for work but I still managed to curl my hair. I'm amazing I know. Then when I got to work everyone started running up to me and giving me high fives and such. At first I thought it was because my hair looked so awesome. But when I finally asked someone it turned out I had been selected to go up against the president of all experts in a guitar hero tournament. I knew there was no way he'd win. No one can defeat me. So I challenged him. And won. Of course.
And then as I was walking to my car to go home, 3 strange men in dark sweatshirts ran out and grabbed me! I tried to fight back but their kung fu was strong. They tied my wrists and put a cloth bag over my head and dragged me into a white van that had pulled up beside us. I felt the twists and turns as we drove and was able to decypher that they had taken me to an underground village. They yanked me out of the van and dragged me uphill somewhere. After they pulled off the bag, I took in my surroundings. Before me lay a small child, writhing in agony on the hard ground. His face was dirty and pale and his eyes were pleading, begging me to help him. My kidnappers pushed my towards him so I crawled over and took his head in my hands.
"What is it child? What is wrong? What have they done to you?" The young boy shook his head. "Nothing, lady. I...I.." He then lifted his finger, wincing in pain. The poor boy was slipping away. I peered closely at his index finger and gasped in horror!! Stuck under his skin was a piece of wood from some unknown source. A sliver! (DUN DUN DUN!) Acting swiftly, I pulled out my handy dandy tweazers from my back pocket, my village audience gasping and holding each other. Slowly but surely, I grabbed the sliver with my tweazers and pulled. The young boy wimpered once and it was done, the sliver between my extra metal fingers. Suddenly, every man, woman, and child in the underground village, including my kidnappers, jumped and cheered and raised me high above their heads. "We knew you could do it!" They shouted. "We knew you could save our boy!" After celebrating with a feast of spamango sushi, my kidnappers drove me back to their car, apologizing. They explained that they didn't think I would help them, that I would think the boy an unimportant waste of my time and they didnt know how to help him. I scolded them for thinking so. I would never think something so dreadful. When back at my car, the kidnappers driving away, I sat on the step and reflected. Looking down, I saw a ten dollar bill. I grabbed it, drove to the store and bought myself a husband. The End.

(REAL DAY: On feet all day doing stupidness. Mom split toe skin last night while playing soccer barefoot. Feet ache. It's hot. My hands are sweaty and my computer is sticky. The end.)